A Painful Memory
by Elanor90
Summary: Ziva is haunted by the memory of Ari's death and everything connected to it. She feels broken, but then finally finds a listener. Takes place sometime at the beginning/middle of season 3... No pairings, maybe just a bit implied Abby/Ziva. No actual slash.


**A Painful Memory**

It was a quiet day at NCIS. There was no new case to work on, but a lot of paperwork and other formal stuff to do.

"I hate this side of the job", Ziva muttered to herself as she stepped into the elevator, grateful to have found an excuse for leaving her desk for a few moments.

She sighed as the elevator stopped mere seconds later: she would be back in front of her computer in no time.

"Abby! I've got some evidence here which Gibbs wants you to recheck!", Ziva called entering Abby's lab. She scanned the room quickly but it was empty – and too quiet, she suddenly noticed. Abby usually had her music turned up full volume. Ziva frowned. _Why did this seem so familiar_? She set the cardboard box containing various evidential things from an old case on one of Abby's desks and looked around again.

Then it struck her. This was just how her last night's dream had begun. The nightmare that hat haunted her again and again, ever since _it_ had happened. She new that it was impossible to erase it from her memory, but she had tried just not to think about it. She had pushed all thoughts related to it beside before really thinking them. During work her job kept her busy and in the afternoons she found other ways of distracting herself. But at night her mind was vulnerable to all the painful memories. She had awoken so many times now, bathed in sweat, but not being able to remember the dream.

But she was now. She remembered every single detail, her photographic memory sparing her nothing.

Ziva backed towards the wall and slid down slowly.

Her dream had started in here, in Abby's lab. She had entered Abby's lab, called her name, but there was no answer. And then she knew she was too late. She called Abby's name again but the voice wasn't hers – it was her half-brother's, it was Ari's. And then Abby was suddenly in front of her, kneeling on the floor, blood flowing down from her left temple over her cheek.

"Please don't kill me", Abby whispered, "You've already killed Kate. Gibbs won't be able to stand another loss. You demonstrated him your power, now leave us in peace."

Ari – Ziva – laughed coldly and loaded his gun already pointing at Abby.

"You're pathetic, Abigail. You should stop worrying about that fool, you wouldn't want to waste your last thoughts on him, now, would you? It's nice that you think of me as powerful, but I should give some credit to my sister, at this point. I wouldn't have been able to kill Kate without her help… nor you."

Abby looked up at the killer with such hate and at the same time such sadness that Ziva felt something inside her shatter.

But Ziva – who was still Ari – raised the gun a little higher, so that it now aimed at Abby's forehead… and shot.

The next moment Ziva was kneeling on the floor beside Abby. She lifted the Goth's head into her lap and stared into the lifeless eyes. Something burned on her face and it took Ziva a moment to realize she was crying. A cold laugh filled the room and Ziva lifted her eyes from Abby's dead face to meet her brother's gaze. Ari stopped laughing abruptly and looked at her seriously.

"Thank you, Ziva", he said and his voice sounded sincere and loving, "I couldn't have done all of this without you."

Ari vanished and Ziva tried to understand the meaning of the words 'all of this'. Then fear ran through her body like icy water and she stood up and ran to the elevator. The ride up seemed to take for ever… She ran to Tony's desk and felt a rush of relief as she saw him sitting in his chair, his head leaned back as if he was resting… but then she saw that his eyes were open, staring into the air, lifeless.

Trying to suppress the rising panic, Ziva turned to McGee's desk. She saw him lying next to his chair. Hoping against hope that he was still alive, she started to run towards him, almost stumbling across something. She looked down and stared directly into Jenny's dead eyes.

"No, this can't be", she whispered, running back to the elevator. But the elevator wasn't empty like she had expected – Ducky's body lay on the floor, his shirt stained with blood.

"No…" Ziva backed away and suddenly she was in Gibbs' basement. Ari was there, pointing his gun at Gibbs. Ziva raised her own gun, but she was too late. Ari pulled the trigger… and Gibbs fell over, dead.

Then Ziva stood in front of her brother, only a few arm lengths away. Ari lifted his eyes from Gibbs to Ziva and his gaze immediately became loving again, replacing the look of disgust and hatred which had been there seconds before.

"Ziva, sister", he said with a warm smile on his face and moved towards her, his arms wide open to embrace her.

"No", Ziva whispered again and made a few steps backwards. Then she raised her gun again and shot him.

This was always the point when she woke up.

Ziva tried to calm down. She opened her eyes, unaware to the fact that she had closed them, and gazed at the place where Abby had lain, dead, in her dream.

It was stupid, she was well aware of that, but she had feared for one second to find the forensics scientist lying there in her own blood…

Ziva shook her head. That part of her dream was unrealistic. Abby was alive and so were all the others… except for Kate – and Ari.

Ziva closed her eyes again and covered her head with her arms.

She didn't know how long she sat there on the floor of Abby's lab like that.

Then she heard footsteps. Someone was entering the room and although she didn't want anyone to see her in such a vulnerable state, she felt too weak to do anything about it.

"David, what are –" Abby's loud voice broke off and the next words were spoken much quieter and seemed to come from directly beside her.

"Zi-Ziva? Are you alright?" Abby sounded truly concerned and Ziva couldn't help but smile a little as she finally found the strength to lift her head.

Abby was crouched in front of her and hesitantly lifted one hand to wipe away a single tear that had found its way halfway across Ziva's cheek. Abby let her hand rest on her face for a few seconds longer and as their eyes locked, Ziva had the feeling that Abby understood her. The moment meant more to Ziva than she could ever put to words.

She closed her eyes and when she reopened them, Abby had sat down to her left, also leaning against the wall.

Abby tentatively lifted her hand again, this time placing it on Ziva's shoulder.

"What happened?", she whispered.

Ziva breathed in slowly and waited a few moments to make sure she had her voice under control before answering.

"I-I just remembered a bad dream which took place here, in your lab. A dream which triggered off some… unpleasant memories."

"Do you want to talk about it?", Abby asked simply, her tone making it clear that she would be okay with either answer.

"I wish I could. But I don't know to whom. You see, Abby, something happened… and there are only two people besides me who know the truth. One – my father – hates me for what I've done and the other is grateful for it. I can't talk to either of them the way I would need to… Neither can really see both sides."

Ziva took another deep breath and shot a quick glance at Abby, who looked back at her reassuringly. Abby dropped her hand off Ziva's shoulder and instead lightly touched her hand. Ziva took Abby's hand in hers without really thinking about it. It felt warm.

"I'll listen", Abby said softly.

Ziva slowly shook her head.

"You wouldn't want to hear this, Abby. It'd only cause you pain…"

"But this isn't about me, right now, Ziva. This is about you. _You_ are in pain."

Ziva looked at the woman beside her, unsure of what to do.

"Ziva… Trust me. I'll listen. No matter what you tell me, I swear I will listen till the end."

Ziva nodded slowly and inhaled deeply.

"Well, I don't know how much you know about me – about my past…", she began slowly in low voice. She shot a quick glance at Abby and then looked back down at her hand, still holding Abby's.

"Not much, I guess", Ziva answered her own question.

"I know that your father is the director of Mossad… And I know that you're from Israel, that you've probably killed quite a lot of people in the course of your career and that you worked together with our madam director before. And… well, that's about it, I guess. So, yeah, I know practically nothing about you."

Ziva smiled again. How was it that such a few simple sentences could make her feel better. But it probably wasn't the words Abby spoke, rather the tone she said them in.

"Well, if you want to know my life's whole story, just read my biography…"- Here Ziva earned herself a punch on her shoulder- "…but I'll give you some facts. I grew up with one sibling, one sister. Our relationship was difficult, but good, defiantly good… She died a while ago", Ziva added, answering Abby's unspoken question. Abby squeezed her hand softly and Ziva continued.

"She was my only 'official' sibling and we were both my mothers only children. But my father… ah, well, I also had a half-brother. We got along well and we worked together in Mossad. Our relationship was intense, I trusted him with my life. I would not have hesitated to kill anyone threatening his life…"

Ziva's voice faltered and she had to clear her throat before continuing.

"I believed him to be a good soul, if one can say it like that. I knew of course that he had killed people, but it had always been as a police officer. I would have never believed him to be a murderer. Never, until I heard him talk about his victim, and it was clear that he had murdered her cold-bloodedly.

"Something shattered inside me. He stood there, talking about his first victim – his first victim that I know of, at least –", Ziva added bitterly, "and he was about to kill his second… We had set the whole thing up. I hadn't believed that he killed her and so I hadn't believed that the set up would lead to anything. But he came…

"And I shot him. I had no time to think twice about it, he would have killed him had I hesitated, but there was nothing to think about anyways. He was a murderer threatening an innocent man and I was an agent. Our past sister-brother relationship was worth less than shit at that moment.

"I know what I did was the only right thing to do. But damn it, he was my brother…"

Abby squeezed Ziva's hand again and leaned her head against Ziva's shoulder. Ziva sighed and waited…

After a few moments of silence, Ziva felt Abby suddenly tense beside her. Abby lifted her head and turned to look at her.

"Not…"

Ziva nodded slowly, not looking at Abby. She didn't need to see Abby's face to know that she understood and that she was shocked.

"Yes, Abby", Ziva said softly, "Ari was my brother. And I killed him."

Ziva suddenly became aware that she was still holding Abby's hand and immediately loosened her grip, but Abby didn't let go.

"Don't you hate me now, Abby? I mean really hate me… I know you never liked me," Ziva said, still staring ahead of her.

Abby didn't answer and Ziva was too scared to turn her head, scared to see the look of disgust that would surely be present on Abby's face.

Ziva felt another tear rolling down her cheek.

"I loved him, Abby," Ziva said, her voice reduced to a whisper, "I loved him as much as a sister can love her brother. A part of me still loves him when I remember the many good times we had together. But those memories are now just as painful as my last memory of him…"

Ziva swallowed hard. "I hate him for what he did, for his betrayal… and for the pain he caused you…"

Ziva felt more tears form in her eyes, but she didn't try to hold them back any longer.

"I never got to meet Kate myself. But I am sure, _I know_ that she was a wonderful person. Oh Abby, I am so sorry. Had I known, had I had only the slightest idea that Ari might do something like that, I would have stopped him. I am so sorry…"

Ziva finally turned her head and found Abby staring back at her. They looked at each other in silence for a moment, then Abby raised her left hand again and wiped away Ziva's tears. Then she threw her body forward, finally letting go of Ziva's hand, and put her arms around her.

Ziva breathed in slowly and then returned the embrace.

"Ziva", Abby muttered into the Israeli's shoulder, "I don't blame you. And I forbid you to blame yourself! It wasn't your fault…" Abby's last words were more of a sob and Ziva instinctively tightened her grip around Abby. She felt something wet on her neck, not entirely sure weather it was from her own tears or from Abby's.

They stayed in that position for some long moments, comforting each other. Ziva felt immensely relieved. She had finally told the whole story to someone who did not judge her for her actions or feelings, but just showed understanding. Maybe she would really be able to stop feeling guilty now… Or at least learn to live with it.

"Tóda, Abby", Ziva whispered. _Thank you._

Ziva felt Abby tighten her arms around her and she knew that Abby didn't need a translation.

* * *

A/N: I hope the Hebrew is correct... found it on the internet. Reviews of any kind are very much appreciated!! 


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